Surprised by Motherhood

A few years ago if you would have told me I was going to be a mother in a couple years I would have replied "Yeah right!". Because two years ago, I didn't want to be a mother. Looking back now I believe that feeling sprouted from fear of the unknown, but also disbelief. Disbelief that I couldn't be a mother. That I wasn't good enough to parent a child.

An ache grew in my stomach. A conviction. I fought the desire to be a mom. I would always focus on the negative side of parenting and focus on all of the things I loved about my life that I didn't want to change. But when God calls you to something that is truly your calling, you can't fight it. You can try, but you won't win.

Having interest in the blogosphere, I found women I like to call "blogger moms". I found handfuls of women sharing their stories. They shared openly their about their feelings, their flaws, but also how the glory of God shines so brightly through it all. One blogger specifically was Lisa-Jo Baker. When I heard highlights of her story, and that she had written a book about it, I knew I had to read it. Though my story is not really that similar to hers in any way, I still found myself relating to her and how she felt. I didn't want to break up with myself.

I finished the book in only a few nights, staying up until one or even later in the morning, not able to sleep from the growing pain in my stomach crying and praying "God, I can't do this.." and I was right. I can't. Not of my own self. Of my own self I am capable of nothing. Through lots of prayer and reading this book I learned that that is the beauty of it. I can't do this, praise God! I would totally screw this up on my own. It is through Christ who strengthens me, Him working in me to do good.

God doesn't need us to be "good enough", He just needs us to be willing instruments.

There are still times when I feel scared of how I am going to do this, but when I remember that I'm not doing this on my own I can lean on the Lord and let Him lead me.

It's terrifying... but in the most amazing way possible. The weight of glory, beauty in the mess..

Thanks for reading
-Courtney